Christmas sponsorship deal announced

The largest Christian religion, the Roman Catholic Church, has just announced a lucrative sponsorship of Christ's birthday with Microsoft, the computer behemoth. Cardinal Greed of the Vatican press office informed shell shocked journalists that for the next 3 years, Christmas would be known as Xboxmas though out its vast global organisation.

Speaking at the the press conference, the Cardinal said that they hoped to make Xboxmas cool among the younger demographic, adding that as part of the deal, all clerical vestments would be festooned with the Xbox 360 logo. A spokesman for Union of Catholic Priests expressed outrage at the blatant commercialisation of the most joyous event in the religious calendar, adding that many of their members now feared that their cassocks would overheat and make too much noise during mass.

Irish Taoiseach to Appear on TV Game Show

An Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, is to appear on a special celebrity version of Who wants to be a Millionaire? on RTE.

It is an unsurprising move for a politician famed for going to any lengths to appeal to potential voters. Mr. Ahern regularly goes to the opening of envelopes and has even appeared as a panalist on the Premiership Soccer TV show.

For his Who wants to be a Millionaire? appearance, the Taoiseach will not get any special treatment except that his 3 life lines will all be "phone a friend".

Koko the Gorilla aces the Leaving Cert

Department of Education officials continue to strenuously deny that the leaving cert is getting easier and easier every year, despite the latest revelation of overachievement in the 2006 exam. Koko, the world's most articulate non-human primate, has shocked most observers by scoring 575 points.

Koko, who has an IQ of between 75 and 95 (the lower IQ estimate is still over twice that of George W. Bush), said that she decided to sit the Irish exam because it was well known, even among simians, that it was becoming "piss easy". The California based ape uses a sign language of 1,000 gestures and understands some 2,000 spoken English words. This apparantly was sufficient for an A1 in English, although she was disappointed with a B3 in Irish, despite never having seen or heard a single word of it. Koko says she hopes to continue her studies by correspondence in an Irish university as word on the street was they were also dumbing down on order to deal with the influx of "geniuses" from second level.

Still smirking after all these years...

Yesterday, on the day President George Bush turned 60, a White House spokeman at the daily press conference explained the reasons for his youthful appearance. Ivan Largemouth, assistant press secretary to the president cited various scientific and pyschological reasons:

1. A stress free job, as a result of excessive delegation and frequent holidays.
2. Smiling exercises the facial muscles more, thereby reducing the effects of ageing. The constant presidential smirk alone has taken 10 years off his face, according to scientists.
3. An optimistic outlook. Largemouth cited the presidental view that US troops would be out of Iraq before the turn of the next century as proof of this.
4. The presidential organs have been pickled since his hard drinking days (up to the age of 40, and before even he thought he could buy his way into the oval office).
5. Being young at heart. The president prides himself on being young on the inside. Some commentators feel the president has the mentality of a 15 year old.......chimp.

What a difference a day makes

Jack Bauer easily retained his "And You Thought Your Day Was Bad" gong at this year's Emmy awards. The fictional star of the hit series 24 got a special citation on winning the award for the 5th consecutive year.

Not only did he go the customary 24 hours without sleeping, eating or drinking; he carried out 167 dangerous missons, killed 2,500 terrorists, saved 120 million civilian lives, caught and/or tortured 200 traitors, had 17 intimate relationships and gained revenge for the murder of 98 close friends. On top of this, his day this year ended with getting kidnapped, drugged, tortured and put on the slow boat to China by the chappies from his award winning crappy day last year.

Jack is currently believed to be in the penthouse suite in the Chinese version of the Hanoi Hilton.

New Car Fuel Source Discovered

Scientists have announced a solution to the problem of dwindling oil stocks and rising human consumption of fossil fuels. Speaking from his laboratory yesterday, Prof. Maxwell Nescafe of the University of Bogota, Columbia declared that his research team had perfected highly efficient technology to extract oil from coffee beans.

The oil, when combined with several additives, has been found to be as efficient as petroleum for running automobiles, while its only exhaust product is an appealing aroma. Prof. Nescafe estimated that a plantation the size of Ecuador would easily meet projected worldwide demands over the next 50 years.

The US responded to the news by immediately adding Brazil, by far the world's leading coffee producer, to the Axis of Evil and drawing up plans to invade.

Most Expensive Irish Timber Identified

With the publishing of RTE salaries, forestry experts have declared that Pat "The Plank" Kenny is the most expensive completely wooden object in Ireland.

The Plank earns €899,000 per annum, which is a steal really as it only takes 5,800 licence payers to pay his salary. The real cost to the licence payer, however, is protecting Pat from wet rot in the damp Irish climate. That is reputed to cost €6.5 million per annum, or around 42,000 licence fees.

Species Thought Extinct Found in Donegal

Zoologists from NUI, Galway yesterday announced that they had found a species of mammal long thought extinct. The find, in a remote area of Donegal, was of a Homo Laboror Delius Hibernicus, or as is more commonly known, an Irish deli worker.

Professor A. Wildman of NUI, Galway expressed delight at the find, stating that academics had thought Homo Laboror Delius Hibernicus had disappeared after the onslaught of more robust species, such as Homo Laboror Delius Asia Orientalus and Homo Laboror Delius Europa Orientalus.

Sven Goran Eriksson Honoured

Scotland and Ireland both announced honours yesterday for the outgoing England football coach, Sven Goran Eriksson. The Lord Mayor of Dublin unveiled plans to make Eriksson a freeman of the city, the highest honour available to an individual. The mayor cited Eriksson's achievement of screwing the English out of £5 million a year (and around £25m in total) for doing absolutely nothing as the reason for the bestowal. The Scots were so impressed with the Swede for the same reason that they invented a new honour especially for him - "Hero of the Scottish Highlands". Australia is also believed to be close to announcing a new honour for the peripatetic priapic pom manager.

When contacted about the honours, Eriksson expressed delight, adding that he was looking forward to meeting the women of the honouring countries.

Paradise Lost

The population of the supposed desert island in the hit TV show Lost has been estimated by experts at 2.4 million. Professor Eggie Head of the Department of Demographics, University of Michigan estimated the probably of encountering a new, unknown person when entering the jungle as approximately the same as that of a person living in a large city encountering an unknown person on a trip to the local supermarket.

Indeed, a spokesperson for McDonalds announced that they have been operating a thriving outlet on the island since 1983. Burgerking are understood to be in talks with interested parties over the opening of a competing franchise.

George & Barbara Bush inducted into Parenting Hall of Shame

The 41st president of the United States, George H. Bush, and his wife Babara were today inducted into the Parenting Hall of Shame in an official ceremony in New York.

Citing their abject failure to tell their son, George Jr, "to get that smirk off your face", the nominating committee chairperson, Mr Betha Headovya, said that the Bushes deserved their place alongside other luminaries of parenting in the Hall of Shame including Mrs. Hitler, Mrs Mao, Mrs Stalin and Dave Pelzer's mom.

A spokeperson for the Bushes said their nannies had done the best they could, adding that George Jr. had not done badly in life, ending up in the best job money can buy.

Man Sells Kidney for House Deposit

A young Dublin man in has taken advantage of his unique physiology to enable him to finally get on the housing ladder.

Joe FlatFoot, a 23 year old Garda based in Tallaght, was born with a rare condition called Trinephritis which affects only 1 person in every 10 million. Sufferers are born with an extra functioning kidney which allows them to filter fluids with remarkable efficiency. While rueing the loss of the ability to drink his friends under the table, Mr Flatfoot has decided to sell one of his 3 kidneys to an ill stockbroker to finance the purchase of his dream home.

Talking exclusively to Scrap Sunday, Mr FlatFoot felt the chance to own his own property was receding further and further; 'I've been saving hard for the past 3 years, but house prices have been rising quicker than I can accumulate funds. This way, I finally get ahead of the game and put a deposit on my dream 400 sq ft 1 bed bijou apartment in New Ross'.

Mr Flatfoot denied that he was acting recklessly, stating that he was simply taking advantage of his biological abnormality. He went further, stating 'Down the road, I can even sell off another kidney if I want to trade up. I hear that there is a market for testicles in Germany. The possibilities are endless. My body is really giving me hope for the future'.

The taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, lauded Mr Flatfoot's initiative, saying "This is the kind of entrepreneurship that sustains Ireland's vibrant economy". Mr Ahern added that it was vital for the Celtic Tiger that the construction industry remains bouyant and it was unreasonable to expect property developers to attend the Galway Races in an old model S-Class Mercedes.

French Shirt Makers Distraught

Paris couturiers are in mourning since the announcement of the death of former Irish taoiseach, Charles J Haughey.

Mr Haughey, who passed away aged 80 on June 13th after a long battle against cancer, was a prodigious purchaser of fine French shirts despite having no visible means to pay for them. Exclusive Parisian purveyors were inconsolable at Mr Haughey's passing, citing fears that overall business could drop by up to 20%. 'The Irish market has practically vanished overnight', lamented a vendor who asked not to be named, adding anxiously 'Do you think the Irish people will start to buy shirts for themselves now?'.

Flags at all boutiques will be flown at half mast until further notice as a mark of respect for their best patron in Western Europe. According to official sales figures from the past 20 years, only Middle Eastern sheiks lavished more money on male haute couture in Paris. However, the records also show that they paid for this clobber with their own money.

Welcome

Where better to start than with a story on the bold CJ (RIP), subject of much of the material on the original Scrap Saturday!