Taoiseach gets re-elected, despite flaws

Bertie Ahern was safely returned as the poll topper in his constituency in last week's general election despite doubts over his private activities. Voters seemed apathetic to his shortcomings, citing his everyman image has the reason for returning him to office. Vera Gullible, 54, a constituent of Mr. Ahern's, summed it up "He's a great guy, Bertie, one of our own. Sure we've all had a few dodgy dealings, wha?".

Mary Bashe, 83, claimed to have been mugged in broad daylight by the Taoiseach while he was canvassing "He's lovely, Bertie. He said 'Tanks very much' after hitting me on the head with a hammer and taking my pension". Cecelie Barkin, 45, was full of praise for Bertie after he slept with her and callously never called like he promised "He's a star. He wouldn't shower afterwards in my place for fear of using up my hot water, He just wiped his manhood in the curtains and off he went. I wish all men were as considerate as him".

With constituents like that, who needs elections?