Saturday, October 27, 2007

Irish politicians vote themselves weekly pay rises

Despite the furore over yet another self-appointed pay rise which means that the Taoiseach (Prime Minister), Bertie Ahern, earns more than even the leader of the free world (although significantly less in dollars per IQ point), the Dail (Parliament) today unanimously passed a motion for a weekly pay rise.

Commenting on the decision, the Ceann Comhairle (Speaker of the House), Gree Diebastard T.D. said that he was a surprise that such a motion hadn't been passed long ago. Noting that the members of the house were wary of a constituency backlash after every periodic self-appointed pay rise, he thought that a weekly announcement would inure the public to the process. Mr Diebastard also added that the rareness of total cross party support indicated that it was true democracy in action.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Stan's successor named

In an unprecedented display of decisiveness, the FAI have moved quickly to replace Steve Staunton, the recently deposed manager of the Irish national soccer team. Coming less than 48 hours of the previous manager's departure, observers were taken by surprise by the latest announcement from Merrion Square. A long, drawn out process had been expected to replace the stuttering Staunton. However, this theory was turned on its head by the unveiling of Jack Scrubber, the Lansdown Road toilet cleaner, as the new manager of the senior team.

Citing 30 years of sterling service in the recently demolished old stadium, the FAI spokesman stated that the new manager had an excellent knowledge of team formations down through the years from attending every match (which used to be a perk of the job before Stan's appointment), coupled with an intimate knowledge of the players' dietary habits. Acknowledging that there was a bit of a gamble involved in the new appointment, the FAI spokesman also confirmed Anto Whelan as the new special advisor to the manager. Whelan, 47, was formerly a star with the Dublin Devils in the weekend Phoenix Park soccer league and brings a wealth of experience in handling men to the role.

FAI chief executive, John Delaney, who recently combined his rodent like features with a propensity for deserting sinking ships, expressed his delight at the appointment of another 'world class' management team, adding that it would be his fault if the team were successful going forward and everybody elses at the FAI if it wasn't.