Still smirking after all these years...

Yesterday, on the day President George Bush turned 60, a White House spokeman at the daily press conference explained the reasons for his youthful appearance. Ivan Largemouth, assistant press secretary to the president cited various scientific and pyschological reasons:

1. A stress free job, as a result of excessive delegation and frequent holidays.
2. Smiling exercises the facial muscles more, thereby reducing the effects of ageing. The constant presidential smirk alone has taken 10 years off his face, according to scientists.
3. An optimistic outlook. Largemouth cited the presidental view that US troops would be out of Iraq before the turn of the next century as proof of this.
4. The presidential organs have been pickled since his hard drinking days (up to the age of 40, and before even he thought he could buy his way into the oval office).
5. Being young at heart. The president prides himself on being young on the inside. Some commentators feel the president has the mentality of a 15 year old.......chimp.

What a difference a day makes

Jack Bauer easily retained his "And You Thought Your Day Was Bad" gong at this year's Emmy awards. The fictional star of the hit series 24 got a special citation on winning the award for the 5th consecutive year.

Not only did he go the customary 24 hours without sleeping, eating or drinking; he carried out 167 dangerous missons, killed 2,500 terrorists, saved 120 million civilian lives, caught and/or tortured 200 traitors, had 17 intimate relationships and gained revenge for the murder of 98 close friends. On top of this, his day this year ended with getting kidnapped, drugged, tortured and put on the slow boat to China by the chappies from his award winning crappy day last year.

Jack is currently believed to be in the penthouse suite in the Chinese version of the Hanoi Hilton.

New Car Fuel Source Discovered

Scientists have announced a solution to the problem of dwindling oil stocks and rising human consumption of fossil fuels. Speaking from his laboratory yesterday, Prof. Maxwell Nescafe of the University of Bogota, Columbia declared that his research team had perfected highly efficient technology to extract oil from coffee beans.

The oil, when combined with several additives, has been found to be as efficient as petroleum for running automobiles, while its only exhaust product is an appealing aroma. Prof. Nescafe estimated that a plantation the size of Ecuador would easily meet projected worldwide demands over the next 50 years.

The US responded to the news by immediately adding Brazil, by far the world's leading coffee producer, to the Axis of Evil and drawing up plans to invade.

Most Expensive Irish Timber Identified

With the publishing of RTE salaries, forestry experts have declared that Pat "The Plank" Kenny is the most expensive completely wooden object in Ireland.

The Plank earns €899,000 per annum, which is a steal really as it only takes 5,800 licence payers to pay his salary. The real cost to the licence payer, however, is protecting Pat from wet rot in the damp Irish climate. That is reputed to cost €6.5 million per annum, or around 42,000 licence fees.

Species Thought Extinct Found in Donegal

Zoologists from NUI, Galway yesterday announced that they had found a species of mammal long thought extinct. The find, in a remote area of Donegal, was of a Homo Laboror Delius Hibernicus, or as is more commonly known, an Irish deli worker.

Professor A. Wildman of NUI, Galway expressed delight at the find, stating that academics had thought Homo Laboror Delius Hibernicus had disappeared after the onslaught of more robust species, such as Homo Laboror Delius Asia Orientalus and Homo Laboror Delius Europa Orientalus.

Sven Goran Eriksson Honoured

Scotland and Ireland both announced honours yesterday for the outgoing England football coach, Sven Goran Eriksson. The Lord Mayor of Dublin unveiled plans to make Eriksson a freeman of the city, the highest honour available to an individual. The mayor cited Eriksson's achievement of screwing the English out of £5 million a year (and around £25m in total) for doing absolutely nothing as the reason for the bestowal. The Scots were so impressed with the Swede for the same reason that they invented a new honour especially for him - "Hero of the Scottish Highlands". Australia is also believed to be close to announcing a new honour for the peripatetic priapic pom manager.

When contacted about the honours, Eriksson expressed delight, adding that he was looking forward to meeting the women of the honouring countries.