Stan's successor named

In an unprecedented display of decisiveness, the FAI have moved quickly to replace Steve Staunton, the recently deposed manager of the Irish national soccer team. Coming less than 48 hours of the previous manager's departure, observers were taken by surprise by the latest announcement from Merrion Square. A long, drawn out process had been expected to replace the stuttering Staunton. However, this theory was turned on its head by the unveiling of Jack Scrubber, the Lansdown Road toilet cleaner, as the new manager of the senior team.

Citing 30 years of sterling service in the recently demolished old stadium, the FAI spokesman stated that the new manager had an excellent knowledge of team formations down through the years from attending every match (which used to be a perk of the job before Stan's appointment), coupled with an intimate knowledge of the players' dietary habits. Acknowledging that there was a bit of a gamble involved in the new appointment, the FAI spokesman also confirmed Anto Whelan as the new special advisor to the manager. Whelan, 47, was formerly a star with the Dublin Devils in the weekend Phoenix Park soccer league and brings a wealth of experience in handling men to the role.

FAI chief executive, John Delaney, who recently combined his rodent like features with a propensity for deserting sinking ships, expressed his delight at the appointment of another 'world class' management team, adding that it would be his fault if the team were successful going forward and everybody elses at the FAI if it wasn't.