Embezzler uses the Bertie defence

There was dramatic testimony at the trial of Ima Crooke in the Four Courts yesterday. Accused of embezzling funds from his employer, the defendant astonished court officials with his dazzling defence manoeuvre.

Under cross examination from the prosecution, Mr Crooke claimed that it was company money for private use that he had used to finance his lifestyle. Judge Doddery Auldgit had no choice but to dismiss the case, stating that if that nonsensical excuse was good enough for the Taoiseach of the country to squirm out of charges of indecorous behaviour, it was good enough for Mr Crooke.

New FAI selection strategy

The purpose behind the FAI's seemingly never ending search for a new manager was dramatically exposed last night. Sources close to the FAI have confirmed that the "Dear Leader", John Delaney, has been grooming his 8 year old son for the job.

It is believed that if the process is drawn out long enough, all viable alternatives for the post will pass away from natural causes. This will clear the way for Delaney Jr. to gain a modicum of experience in advance of ascending to the throne on his 30th birthday.

The kettle calling the pot black

In the biggest case of the kettle calling the pot black since Stalin called Hitler a bad egg, the Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern T.D. yesterday branded Enda Kenny T.D. a bare faced liar. The Fine Gael leader had earlier accused the Taoiseach of being loose with the truth about his tax affairs.

Mr. Ahern's counter-attacked by completely glossing over his procrastination and prevarication at the Mahon tribunal and resorting to school bully boy tactics. Sources close to the Fianna Fail leader said a wedgie wasn't out of the question for Mr. Kenny, should he not desist from landing further political punches.

Seamus Darby's 1982 "push" proved definitively

While 31 counties rejoiced in Offaly's 1982 All-Ireland football victory, Biffos everywhere have since bristled at suggestions of foul play. Well, after over 25 years of furious debate, the contentious (especially for Kerry people) matter of whether Seamus Darby pushed Tommy Doyle or not has finally been settled.

Talking last night on TG4's run down of the top 30 all-time Irish sporting moments, the Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, offered a definite opinion on the event voted in by the public at number 3 on the list. Claiming to be level with Darby on that faithful September day, the Taoiseach categorically stated that there was no push.

That settles it then. When a man with that credibility says that, you know Darby definitely pushed him!

Decide for yourself: