Bertie injured after fall from bicycle

An Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern T.D., was said to be recovering in hospital last night after falling while cycling around Drumcondra. A spokesman for the stricken leader urged others, especially children, not to follow Mr. Ahern's exercise regime. AA Roadwatch's omnipresent spokesman, Conor Faughnan, concurred, adding that back pedalling furiously in public risks serious injury.

Hot on the heels after brazenly telling the electorate to get stuffed, the Taoiseach suddenly announced an about turn when the extent of the public outrage became apparent. Somehow, the effrontery of the government granting themselves enormous pay rises while simultaneously exhorting the ordinary workers to tighten their belts did not go down well in the trenches.

Bertie no mates

Embattled Irish Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern T.D. was said to be reeling today after realising that he had no friends. Witnesses at the never ending Mahon tribunal were queueing up this week to deny being amigos with the Taoiseach.

Sobbing into his hanky, a distraught Ahern told reporters that he was devastated at the turn of events, adding that he was unsure how he was going to be able to fund any future home improvements.