Embezzler uses the Bertie defence

There was dramatic testimony at the trial of Ima Crooke in the Four Courts yesterday. Accused of embezzling funds from his employer, the defendant astonished court officials with his dazzling defence manoeuvre.

Under cross examination from the prosecution, Mr Crooke claimed that it was company money for private use that he had used to finance his lifestyle. Judge Doddery Auldgit had no choice but to dismiss the case, stating that if that nonsensical excuse was good enough for the Taoiseach of the country to squirm out of charges of indecorous behaviour, it was good enough for Mr Crooke.

New FAI selection strategy

The purpose behind the FAI's seemingly never ending search for a new manager was dramatically exposed last night. Sources close to the FAI have confirmed that the "Dear Leader", John Delaney, has been grooming his 8 year old son for the job.

It is believed that if the process is drawn out long enough, all viable alternatives for the post will pass away from natural causes. This will clear the way for Delaney Jr. to gain a modicum of experience in advance of ascending to the throne on his 30th birthday.

The kettle calling the pot black

In the biggest case of the kettle calling the pot black since Stalin called Hitler a bad egg, the Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern T.D. yesterday branded Enda Kenny T.D. a bare faced liar. The Fine Gael leader had earlier accused the Taoiseach of being loose with the truth about his tax affairs.

Mr. Ahern's counter-attacked by completely glossing over his procrastination and prevarication at the Mahon tribunal and resorting to school bully boy tactics. Sources close to the Fianna Fail leader said a wedgie wasn't out of the question for Mr. Kenny, should he not desist from landing further political punches.

Seamus Darby's 1982 "push" proved definitively

While 31 counties rejoiced in Offaly's 1982 All-Ireland football victory, Biffos everywhere have since bristled at suggestions of foul play. Well, after over 25 years of furious debate, the contentious (especially for Kerry people) matter of whether Seamus Darby pushed Tommy Doyle or not has finally been settled.

Talking last night on TG4's run down of the top 30 all-time Irish sporting moments, the Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, offered a definite opinion on the event voted in by the public at number 3 on the list. Claiming to be level with Darby on that faithful September day, the Taoiseach categorically stated that there was no push.

That settles it then. When a man with that credibility says that, you know Darby definitely pushed him!

Decide for yourself:

Bertie injured after fall from bicycle

An Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern T.D., was said to be recovering in hospital last night after falling while cycling around Drumcondra. A spokesman for the stricken leader urged others, especially children, not to follow Mr. Ahern's exercise regime. AA Roadwatch's omnipresent spokesman, Conor Faughnan, concurred, adding that back pedalling furiously in public risks serious injury.

Hot on the heels after brazenly telling the electorate to get stuffed, the Taoiseach suddenly announced an about turn when the extent of the public outrage became apparent. Somehow, the effrontery of the government granting themselves enormous pay rises while simultaneously exhorting the ordinary workers to tighten their belts did not go down well in the trenches.

Bertie no mates

Embattled Irish Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern T.D. was said to be reeling today after realising that he had no friends. Witnesses at the never ending Mahon tribunal were queueing up this week to deny being amigos with the Taoiseach.

Sobbing into his hanky, a distraught Ahern told reporters that he was devastated at the turn of events, adding that he was unsure how he was going to be able to fund any future home improvements.

Irish politicians make themselves unsackable

Hot on the heels of self-appointed pay rises, Irish politicians today announced legislation that made it impossible to lose their jobs. Chairman of the sub-committee who introduced the No Accountability bill to the Dail (parliament), Ican Dowotiwant T.D., defended the latest affront to the Irish people by saying they were only enshrining in law what was obvious to the populace.

Political commentators agreed, using Martin Cullen (of the electronic voting fiasco amongst otthers), Mary Harney (of the shambolic over-bureaucratic health services) and dodgy dealing Taoiseach (prime minister) as prime examples. Both Vladimir Putin, the autocratic Russian premier, and Hugo Chavez, his Venezuelan counterpart, are said to be impressed and are sending high level delegations to study the bill.

Irish politicians vote themselves weekly pay rises

Despite the furore over yet another self-appointed pay rise which means that the Taoiseach (Prime Minister), Bertie Ahern, earns more than even the leader of the free world (although significantly less in dollars per IQ point), the Dail (Parliament) today unanimously passed a motion for a weekly pay rise.

Commenting on the decision, the Ceann Comhairle (Speaker of the House), Gree Diebastard T.D. said that he was a surprise that such a motion hadn't been passed long ago. Noting that the members of the house were wary of a constituency backlash after every periodic self-appointed pay rise, he thought that a weekly announcement would inure the public to the process. Mr Diebastard also added that the rareness of total cross party support indicated that it was true democracy in action.

Stan's successor named

In an unprecedented display of decisiveness, the FAI have moved quickly to replace Steve Staunton, the recently deposed manager of the Irish national soccer team. Coming less than 48 hours of the previous manager's departure, observers were taken by surprise by the latest announcement from Merrion Square. A long, drawn out process had been expected to replace the stuttering Staunton. However, this theory was turned on its head by the unveiling of Jack Scrubber, the Lansdown Road toilet cleaner, as the new manager of the senior team.

Citing 30 years of sterling service in the recently demolished old stadium, the FAI spokesman stated that the new manager had an excellent knowledge of team formations down through the years from attending every match (which used to be a perk of the job before Stan's appointment), coupled with an intimate knowledge of the players' dietary habits. Acknowledging that there was a bit of a gamble involved in the new appointment, the FAI spokesman also confirmed Anto Whelan as the new special advisor to the manager. Whelan, 47, was formerly a star with the Dublin Devils in the weekend Phoenix Park soccer league and brings a wealth of experience in handling men to the role.

FAI chief executive, John Delaney, who recently combined his rodent like features with a propensity for deserting sinking ships, expressed his delight at the appointment of another 'world class' management team, adding that it would be his fault if the team were successful going forward and everybody elses at the FAI if it wasn't.

Clean rider found in Tour de France

There was outrage this evening after the 20th stage of the Tour de France 2007 when it emerged that one cyclist in the peleton, Australian Nat Power, was not on steroids, EPO, human growth hormone or even amphetamines.

Speaking several hours after the podium celebrations in Castres, following a leisurely 178.5 km cruise from Montpellier at an average 80kph, stage winner, Freichas Adaisy, 24, slammed Power "Who does 'e think he is, zis guy? He is making us all look bad. He rides like, 'ow you say, an old woman and he gets tired". Several other riders called for Power to be removed from the tour as it is was unfair that he did not have to ride a bicycle for hours on end with an arse like a pin cushion.

Mr Power could not be reached for comment as he had not yet completed the stage.