Scrap Sunday

Embezzler uses the Bertie defence

2008-03-21T11:35:00.002Z

There was dramatic testimony at the trial of Ima Crooke in the Four Courts yesterday. Accused of embezzling funds from his employer, the defendant astonished court officials with his dazzling defence manoeuvre.

Under cross examination from the prosecution, Mr Crooke claimed that it was company money for private use that he had used to finance his lifestyle. Judge Doddery Auldgit had no choice but to dismiss the case, stating that if that nonsensical excuse was good enough for the Taoiseach of the country to squirm out of charges of indecorous behaviour, it was good enough for Mr Crooke.

New FAI selection strategy

2008-01-19T11:53:00.000Z

The purpose behind the FAI's seemingly never ending search for a new manager was dramatically exposed last night. Sources close to the FAI have confirmed that the "Dear Leader", John Delaney, has been grooming his 8 year old son for the job.

It is believed that if the process is drawn out long enough, all viable alternatives for the post will pass away from natural causes. This will clear the way for Delaney Jr. to gain a modicum of experience in advance of ascending to the throne on his 30th birthday.

The kettle calling the pot black

2008-01-15T18:04:00.000Z

In the biggest case of the kettle calling the pot black since Stalin called Hitler a bad egg, the Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern T.D. yesterday branded Enda Kenny T.D. a bare faced liar. The Fine Gael leader had earlier accused the Taoiseach of being loose with the truth about his tax affairs.

Mr. Ahern's counter-attacked by completely glossing over his procrastination and prevarication at the Mahon tribunal and resorting to school bully boy tactics. Sources close to the Fianna Fail leader said a wedgie wasn't out of the question for Mr. Kenny, should he not desist from landing further political punches.

Seamus Darby's 1982 "push" proved definitively

2008-01-02T10:39:00.000Z

While 31 counties rejoiced in Offaly's 1982 All-Ireland football victory, Biffos everywhere have since bristled at suggestions of foul play. Well, after over 25 years of furious debate, the contentious (especially for Kerry people) matter of whether Seamus Darby pushed Tommy Doyle or not has finally been settled.

Talking last night on TG4's run down of the top 30 all-time Irish sporting moments, the Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, offered a definite opinion on the event voted in by the public at number 3 on the list. Claiming to be level with Darby on that faithful September day, the Taoiseach categorically stated that there was no push.

That settles it then. When a man with that credibility says that, you know Darby definitely pushed him!

Decide for yourself:

Bertie injured after fall from bicycle

2007-12-14T10:45:00.000Z

An Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern T.D., was said to be recovering in hospital last night after falling while cycling around Drumcondra. A spokesman for the stricken leader urged others, especially children, not to follow Mr. Ahern's exercise regime. AA Roadwatch's omnipresent spokesman, Conor Faughnan, concurred, adding that back pedalling furiously in public risks serious injury.

Hot on the heels after brazenly telling the electorate to get stuffed, the Taoiseach suddenly announced an about turn when the extent of the public outrage became apparent. Somehow, the effrontery of the government granting themselves enormous pay rises while simultaneously exhorting the ordinary workers to tighten their belts did not go down well in the trenches.

Bertie no mates

2007-12-01T12:06:00.000Z

Embattled Irish Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern T.D. was said to be reeling today after realising that he had no friends. Witnesses at the never ending Mahon tribunal were queueing up this week to deny being amigos with the Taoiseach.

Sobbing into his hanky, a distraught Ahern told reporters that he was devastated at the turn of events, adding that he was unsure how he was going to be able to fund any future home improvements.

Irish politicians make themselves unsackable

2007-11-26T16:44:00.000Z

Hot on the heels of self-appointed pay rises, Irish politicians today announced legislation that made it impossible to lose their jobs. Chairman of the sub-committee who introduced the No Accountability bill to the Dail (parliament), Ican Dowotiwant T.D., defended the latest affront to the Irish people by saying they were only enshrining in law what was obvious to the populace.

Political commentators agreed, using Martin Cullen (of the electronic voting fiasco amongst otthers), Mary Harney (of the shambolic over-bureaucratic health services) and dodgy dealing Taoiseach (prime minister) as prime examples. Both Vladimir Putin, the autocratic Russian premier, and Hugo Chavez, his Venezuelan counterpart, are said to be impressed and are sending high level delegations to study the bill.

Irish politicians vote themselves weekly pay rises

2007-10-27T19:00:00.000+01:00

Despite the furore over yet another self-appointed pay rise which means that the Taoiseach (Prime Minister), Bertie Ahern, earns more than even the leader of the free world (although significantly less in dollars per IQ point), the Dail (Parliament) today unanimously passed a motion for a weekly pay rise.

Commenting on the decision, the Ceann Comhairle (Speaker of the House), Gree Diebastard T.D. said that he was a surprise that such a motion hadn't been passed long ago. Noting that the members of the house were wary of a constituency backlash after every periodic self-appointed pay rise, he thought that a weekly announcement would inure the public to the process. Mr Diebastard also added that the rareness of total cross party support indicated that it was true democracy in action.

Stan's successor named

2007-10-25T10:44:00.001+01:00

In an unprecedented display of decisiveness, the FAI have moved quickly to replace Steve Staunton, the recently deposed manager of the Irish national soccer team. Coming less than 48 hours of the previous manager's departure, observers were taken by surprise by the latest announcement from Merrion Square. A long, drawn out process had been expected to replace the stuttering Staunton. However, this theory was turned on its head by the unveiling of Jack Scrubber, the Lansdown Road toilet cleaner, as the new manager of the senior team.

Citing 30 years of sterling service in the recently demolished old stadium, the FAI spokesman stated that the new manager had an excellent knowledge of team formations down through the years from attending every match (which used to be a perk of the job before Stan's appointment), coupled with an intimate knowledge of the players' dietary habits. Acknowledging that there was a bit of a gamble involved in the new appointment, the FAI spokesman also confirmed Anto Whelan as the new special advisor to the manager. Whelan, 47, was formerly a star with the Dublin Devils in the weekend Phoenix Park soccer league and brings a wealth of experience in handling men to the role.

FAI chief executive, John Delaney, who recently combined his rodent like features with a propensity for deserting sinking ships, expressed his delight at the appointment of another 'world class' management team, adding that it would be his fault if the team were successful going forward and everybody elses at the FAI if it wasn't.

Clean rider found in Tour de France

2007-07-20T19:54:00.000+01:00

There was outrage this evening after the 20th stage of the Tour de France 2007 when it emerged that one cyclist in the peleton, Australian Nat Power, was not on steroids, EPO, human growth hormone or even amphetamines.

Speaking several hours after the podium celebrations in Castres, following a leisurely 178.5 km cruise from Montpellier at an average 80kph, stage winner, Freichas Adaisy, 24, slammed Power "Who does 'e think he is, zis guy? He is making us all look bad. He rides like, 'ow you say, an old woman and he gets tired". Several other riders called for Power to be removed from the tour as it is was unfair that he did not have to ride a bicycle for hours on end with an arse like a pin cushion.

Mr Power could not be reached for comment as he had not yet completed the stage.

Taoiseach gets re-elected, despite flaws

2007-05-31T13:58:00.000+01:00

Bertie Ahern was safely returned as the poll topper in his constituency in last week's general election despite doubts over his private activities. Voters seemed apathetic to his shortcomings, citing his everyman image has the reason for returning him to office. Vera Gullible, 54, a constituent of Mr. Ahern's, summed it up "He's a great guy, Bertie, one of our own. Sure we've all had a few dodgy dealings, wha?".

Mary Bashe, 83, claimed to have been mugged in broad daylight by the Taoiseach while he was canvassing "He's lovely, Bertie. He said 'Tanks very much' after hitting me on the head with a hammer and taking my pension". Cecelie Barkin, 45, was full of praise for Bertie after he slept with her and callously never called like he promised "He's a star. He wouldn't shower afterwards in my place for fear of using up my hot water, He just wiped his manhood in the curtains and off he went. I wish all men were as considerate as him".

With constituents like that, who needs elections?

Christmas sponsorship deal announced

2006-12-12T14:36:00.000Z

The largest Christian religion, the Roman Catholic Church, has just announced a lucrative sponsorship of Christ's birthday with Microsoft, the computer behemoth. Cardinal Greed of the Vatican press office informed shell shocked journalists that for the next 3 years, Christmas would be known as Xboxmas though out its vast global organisation.

Speaking at the the press conference, the Cardinal said that they hoped to make Xboxmas cool among the younger demographic, adding that as part of the deal, all clerical vestments would be festooned with the Xbox 360 logo. A spokesman for Union of Catholic Priests expressed outrage at the blatant commercialisation of the most joyous event in the religious calendar, adding that many of their members now feared that their cassocks would overheat and make too much noise during mass.

Irish Taoiseach to Appear on TV Game Show

2006-09-12T17:19:00.000+01:00

An Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, is to appear on a special celebrity version of Who wants to be a Millionaire? on RTE.

It is an unsurprising move for a politician famed for going to any lengths to appeal to potential voters. Mr. Ahern regularly goes to the opening of envelopes and has even appeared as a panalist on the Premiership Soccer TV show.

For his Who wants to be a Millionaire? appearance, the Taoiseach will not get any special treatment except that his 3 life lines will all be "phone a friend".

Koko the Gorilla aces the Leaving Cert

2006-08-25T10:51:00.000+01:00

Department of Education officials continue to strenuously deny that the leaving cert is getting easier and easier every year, despite the latest revelation of overachievement in the 2006 exam. Koko, the world's most articulate non-human primate, has shocked most observers by scoring 575 points.

Koko, who has an IQ of between 75 and 95 (the lower IQ estimate is still over twice that of George W. Bush), said that she decided to sit the Irish exam because it was well known, even among simians, that it was becoming "piss easy". The California based ape uses a sign language of 1,000 gestures and understands some 2,000 spoken English words. This apparantly was sufficient for an A1 in English, although she was disappointed with a B3 in Irish, despite never having seen or heard a single word of it. Koko says she hopes to continue her studies by correspondence in an Irish university as word on the street was they were also dumbing down on order to deal with the influx of "geniuses" from second level.

Still smirking after all these years...

2006-07-07T21:53:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, on the day President George Bush turned 60, a White House spokeman at the daily press conference explained the reasons for his youthful appearance. Ivan Largemouth, assistant press secretary to the president cited various scientific and pyschological reasons:

A stress free job, as a result of excessive delegation and frequent holidays.
Smiling exercises the facial muscles more, thereby reducing the effects of ageing. The constant presidential smirk alone has taken 10 years off his face, according to scientists.
An optimistic outlook. Largemouth cited the presidental view that US troops would be out of Iraq before the turn of the next century as proof of this.
The presidential organs have been pickled since his hard drinking days (up to the age of 40, and before even he thought he could buy his way into the oval office).
Being young at heart. The president prides himself on being young on the inside. Some commentators feel the president has the mentality of a 15 year old.......chimp.

What a difference a day makes

2006-07-02T23:02:00.000+01:00

Jack Bauer easily retained his "And You Thought Your Day Was Bad" gong at this year's Emmy awards. The fictional star of the hit series 24 got a special citation on winning the award for the 5th consecutive year.

Not only did he go the customary 24 hours without sleeping, eating or drinking; he carried out 167 dangerous missons, killed 2,500 terrorists, saved 120 million civilian lives, caught and/or tortured 200 traitors, had 17 intimate relationships and gained revenge for the murder of 98 close friends. On top of this, his day this year ended with getting kidnapped, drugged, tortured and put on the slow boat to China by the chappies from his award winning crappy day last year.

Jack is currently believed to be in the penthouse suite in the Chinese version of the Hanoi Hilton.

New Car Fuel Source Discovered

2006-07-02T13:36:00.000+01:00

Scientists have announced a solution to the problem of dwindling oil stocks and rising human consumption of fossil fuels. Speaking from his laboratory yesterday, Prof. Maxwell Nescafe of the University of Bogota, Columbia declared that his research team had perfected highly efficient technology to extract oil from coffee beans.

The oil, when combined with several additives, has been found to be as efficient as petroleum for running automobiles, while its only exhaust product is an appealing aroma. Prof. Nescafe estimated that a plantation the size of Ecuador would easily meet projected worldwide demands over the next 50 years.

The US responded to the news by immediately adding Brazil, by far the world's leading coffee producer, to the Axis of Evil and drawing up plans to invade.

Most Expensive Irish Timber Identified

2006-07-01T21:14:00.000+01:00

With the publishing of RTE salaries, forestry experts have declared that Pat "The Plank" Kenny is the most expensive completely wooden object in Ireland.

The Plank earns €899,000 per annum, which is a steal really as it only takes 5,800 licence payers to pay his salary. The real cost to the licence payer, however, is protecting Pat from wet rot in the damp Irish climate. That is reputed to cost €6.5 million per annum, or around 42,000 licence fees.

Species Thought Extinct Found in Donegal

2006-07-01T18:11:00.000+01:00

Zoologists from NUI, Galway yesterday announced that they had found a species of mammal long thought extinct. The find, in a remote area of Donegal, was of a Homo Laboror Delius Hibernicus, or as is more commonly known, an Irish deli worker.

Professor A. Wildman of NUI, Galway expressed delight at the find, stating that academics had thought Homo Laboror Delius Hibernicus had disappeared after the onslaught of more robust species, such as Homo Laboror Delius Asia Orientalus and Homo Laboror Delius Europa Orientalus.

Sven Goran Eriksson Honoured

2006-07-01T17:40:00.000+01:00

Scotland and Ireland both announced honours yesterday for the outgoing England football coach, Sven Goran Eriksson. The Lord Mayor of Dublin unveiled plans to make Eriksson a freeman of the city, the highest honour available to an individual. The mayor cited Eriksson's achievement of screwing the English out of £5 million a year (and around £25m in total) for doing absolutely nothing as the reason for the bestowal. The Scots were so impressed with the Swede for the same reason that they invented a new honour especially for him - "Hero of the Scottish Highlands". Australia is also believed to be close to announcing a new honour for the peripatetic priapic pom manager.

When contacted about the honours, Eriksson expressed delight, adding that he was looking forward to meeting the women of the honouring countries.

Paradise Lost

2006-06-29T22:33:00.000+01:00

The population of the supposed desert island in the hit TV show Lost has been estimated by experts at 2.4 million. Professor Eggie Head of the Department of Demographics, University of Michigan estimated the probably of encountering a new, unknown person when entering the jungle as approximately the same as that of a person living in a large city encountering an unknown person on a trip to the local supermarket.

Indeed, a spokesperson for McDonalds announced that they have been operating a thriving outlet on the island since 1983. Burgerking are understood to be in talks with interested parties over the opening of a competing franchise.

George & Barbara Bush inducted into Parenting Hall of Shame

2006-06-29T10:24:00.000+01:00

The 41st president of the United States, George H. Bush, and his wife Babara were today inducted into the Parenting Hall of Shame in an official ceremony in New York.

Citing their abject failure to tell their son, George Jr, "to get that smirk off your face", the nominating committee chairperson, Mr Betha Headovya, said that the Bushes deserved their place alongside other luminaries of parenting in the Hall of Shame including Mrs. Hitler, Mrs Mao, Mrs Stalin and Dave Pelzer's mom.

A spokeperson for the Bushes said their nannies had done the best they could, adding that George Jr. had not done badly in life, ending up in the best job money can buy.

Man Sells Kidney for House Deposit

2006-06-28T21:58:00.000+01:00

A young Dublin man in has taken advantage of his unique physiology to enable him to finally get on the housing ladder.

Joe FlatFoot, a 23 year old Garda based in Tallaght, was born with a rare condition called Trinephritis which affects only 1 person in every 10 million. Sufferers are born with an extra functioning kidney which allows them to filter fluids with remarkable efficiency. While rueing the loss of the ability to drink his friends under the table, Mr Flatfoot has decided to sell one of his 3 kidneys to an ill stockbroker to finance the purchase of his dream home.

Talking exclusively to Scrap Sunday, Mr FlatFoot felt the chance to own his own property was receding further and further; 'I've been saving hard for the past 3 years, but house prices have been rising quicker than I can accumulate funds. This way, I finally get ahead of the game and put a deposit on my dream 400 sq ft 1 bed bijou apartment in New Ross'.

Mr Flatfoot denied that he was acting recklessly, stating that he was simply taking advantage of his biological abnormality. He went further, stating 'Down the road, I can even sell off another kidney if I want to trade up. I hear that there is a market for testicles in Germany. The possibilities are endless. My body is really giving me hope for the future'.

The taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, lauded Mr Flatfoot's initiative, saying "This is the kind of entrepreneurship that sustains Ireland's vibrant economy". Mr Ahern added that it was vital for the Celtic Tiger that the construction industry remains bouyant and it was unreasonable to expect property developers to attend the Galway Races in an old model S-Class Mercedes.

French Shirt Makers Distraught

2006-06-28T21:11:00.000+01:00

Paris couturiers are in mourning since the announcement of the death of former Irish taoiseach, Charles J Haughey.

Mr Haughey, who passed away aged 80 on June 13th after a long battle against cancer, was a prodigious purchaser of fine French shirts despite having no visible means to pay for them. Exclusive Parisian purveyors were inconsolable at Mr Haughey's passing, citing fears that overall business could drop by up to 20%. 'The Irish market has practically vanished overnight', lamented a vendor who asked not to be named, adding anxiously 'Do you think the Irish people will start to buy shirts for themselves now?'.

Flags at all boutiques will be flown at half mast until further notice as a mark of respect for their best patron in Western Europe. According to official sales figures from the past 20 years, only Middle Eastern sheiks lavished more money on male haute couture in Paris. However, the records also show that they paid for this clobber with their own money.

Welcome

2006-06-26T22:53:00.000+01:00

Where better to start than with a story on the bold CJ (RIP), subject of much of the material on the original Scrap Saturday!